I wish I still didn’t remember my birthday this year. I’d be better off not remembering it because now that I do remember it, I feel tempted to celebrate it. Cause this year is a major year in my life. Well, sorta. I don’t know. To be honest, I’ve never had a legit celebration for my birthday, and it all these years it has shaped my view of birthdays in general. I feel like the day of your birth is just like any other day and there’s nothing special about it. Of course, it’s different when I go to other people’s birthdays or see them celebrate it. Then I feel like it’s an important day, but other than those times, I feel like it’s insignificant. My parents have never really brought up my birthday, unless somehow I remind them, which I never do. I mean, why bother? It’s coming up really soon, and I sort of want to do something special, but then I sort of don’t either. Even if I did, I don’t know where I’d get the money, the time, or the friends LOL. haha…
“You might as well be dead. Seriously, if you always put limits on what you can do, physically or anything else, it’ll spread over into the rest of your life. It’ll spread into your work, into your morality, into your entire being. There are no limits. There are plateaus, but you must not stay there, you must go beyond them. If it kills you, it kills you. A man must constantly exceed his level.”
- Bruce Lee
(Source: nevertrustatiger, via iamchicha)
- When a person laughs too much, even on stupid things, that person is sad deep inside
- When a person sleeps a lot, that person is lonely
- When a person talks less and if he talks fast, that person is keeping a secret
- When a person can’t cry, that person is weak
- When a person eats in an abnormal way, that person is in tension
- When a person cries on little things, that person is softhearted
- When someone asks about you although that someone is busy, he/she really loves you
(Source: shyieesolove, via tangit)
Or that’s what I’ll tell you. Although there’s a slight chance you might see it in my eyes or notice it yourself. But I wouldn’t expect you to. I wouldn’t expect it from anyone. In a sense, I am fine. Not completely, but I’m fine. I can’t feel anything anymore, not happiness nor sadness. I guess I’m just numb. When you’ve been through it all too many times, you just become hopeless. I guess that’s how I feel. I can’t really describe my emotions anymore. It’s sort of a mix between feeling melancholy and numbness. I don’t know how long this has lasted, but I don’t even remember the last time I just felt normal.
I just want to be noticed. Especially by you. Just notice me, something I do. Anything.
This is a late post but yeah last Friday was the Relay for Life for cancer, and it was pretty fun. After work, Brett came to pick me up so we could go to the relay together. We were trying to go to my house first so I could change and get my camera, but he got lost for like an hour. After we finally came to my house, we went straight to West Springfield except we kinda got lost again for 30 minutes LOL. So then we park and met up with some people. We were already late for the relay, but we went to Panera and got some food. Then we went back to the school for the relay and it seemed like we didn’t miss much. Everyone was sort of in their own group so I just sat there with Chris. The rest of the night was alright, except people left as the temperature kept dropping. Only a few people stayed the whole entire night. So some of the activities during the relay was, laser tagging, kickball, and the hamster ball. It took forever for the people to call our team though, and I think we didn’t get to play anything until around 2AM.
A few people started leaving around 12 to 1 AM so, me, Chris and Brett decided to leave to go to 7/11. We went to McDonald’s first and we saw a group of people there. It was so sketchy, so we walked around to 7/11 and I bought some junk food and NeuroBliss c: After that, we walked past a bar, and this lady came out. At first it seemed like she was laughing cause she was drunk, but it turned out she was crying. And then she yelled, “There’s nothing left!” And we sort of eavesdropped on their conversation… but yeah it was hella awkward, so we walked away.
Got back to the school, and our team was on the kickball field about to play. We almost got caught, so we made up an excuse that we were moving Brett’s car. After a few minutes, we started playing kickball, and the game was pretty intense cause basically we were killing the other team. LOL it was getting so cold so I went back to our tent. I fell asleep for like an hour, and then Chris came back and I woke up. I ran into this girl I knew from a really long time ago and we started talking. Eventually it led to us going into the school. It was nice, cause it was so warm in there.
At around 5 AM, Nahid took us to iHop because we kept asking her, and she finally said yes. LOL so like while we were on the way, the sky kept getting lighter and me and Chris were like “-sigh- this is no fun.” cause we wanted the late night experience, but it was whatever. So then we get there and it’s like empty, no one is there at all. Our server is like an old man, and he was the slowest waiter ever. He takes 10 minutes to bring out drinks, and another 10 to take the order. Everything was just taking forever. And we were all criticizing him LOL. Alright so anyways we got our food and there was no time to eat it so we got it to-go and left. When we got back, it was pretty much the end, everyone had already wrapped up and stuff. So we got ready to leave too. Overall it was a fun night and I’m glad I was able to participate in it.
I haven’t updated my tumblr lately but it’s because I’ve been working really hard to pull myself back together. I’ve been studying for tests and doing my homework, and even late homework. I’m trying to do whatever I can so that I won’t hate myself later on. And the best thing is that I’m doing it for me, no one else. Not for my parents, or for anyone. Although I think I might be too late. All I can do now is hope.
I don’t deserve to be living in this house. My parents may be harsh to me all the time, but they still provide me with things I need to live. And what do I do for them? Nothing. I can’t even get good grades for them to be proud of me. I can’t do anything right around the house. I can’t even be a good sister to my own brother. On top of that, I lie to them and do things behind their back. They were right all along… that everything for me is just a one way street…
I don’t deserve to go to school, when all I do is sleep in class, and fail. There’s so many other people out there who would kill to get an education. Just for a chance. And here I am, wasting my parent’s money by not paying attention, and not doing my work.
I don’t even deserve this life I am given. Because I want to throw it away. I am not capable of seeing it through like everyone else. I give up when others fight on.
I don’t deserve the love that others give me. Because I cannot love them back the way they love me. I cannot prove to them that they mean the world to me. I can’t do anything to show them how much they mean to me, until it’s too late.
To be frank, I think I don’t deserve anything in my life. I’m just a huge mess and I have “heartless bitch” written all over me.
Can you not see that I am suffering? That every day I try and try to bring myself back up but I keep failing. And when I need someone there for me, you’re obviously not that person. You can’t even say anything to make me feel better. So I have to look for other people that I can actually talk to. And you never even put forth the effort to talk to me anymore. How can I have the time to think about entertainment or fun when my mind is constantly thinking about how I’m failing my classes and how sleep deprived I am, or even my depression. Do you not understand? In these times, you don’t continuously fault someone for their actions when you clearly do not understand why they have done them. You don’t care that I’m dying every day more and more, that I’m just about to give up on everything, that I’m starting to come to a conclusion that my life means nothing anymore. You only care about yourself at the current moment. Though, you may not realize it… but you are. If you really cared, I would know by now. And obviously you don’t…
